


I Found Love Where It Wasn't Supposed to be.

by WAWritings



Series: End of the Line [3]
Category: The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: Angry Frank Castle, Blood and Injury, Blood and Torture, Blood and Violence, F/M, Family Fluff, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Abuse, Sexual Content, mentally exhausted reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-09 18:42:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12894363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WAWritings/pseuds/WAWritings
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be family dinners and love and happily ever after. It was supposed to be you, Frank, Billy, Maria, and the kids. It was supposed to be so much more. Instead it was suffering and pain and doubt.





	1. The Distance

"I want you  
And I always will  
I wish I was worth  
But I know what you deserve  
You know I'd rather drown  
Than to go on without you  
But you're pulling me down  
  
It feels like there's oceans  
Between you and me once again  
We hide our emotions  
Under the surface and try to pretend  
But it feels like there's oceans   
Between you and me"

\- "Oceans", Seafret

     “Good Karen,” You praised her and adjusted her hips slightly. “Put more weight behind it this time. Really lean into it.” The next punch that Karen threw landed and made you take a step back. Breathing heavy, she frowned and lowered her fists.

     “Can we-ugh can we stop for today.” You nodded and slid off some of the padding you were wearing. It had been a cold day in Hell’s kitchen when Karen approached you about learning self-defense. Come to find out she was a natural. There was an intuition that some people had and Karen had it in droves. It was her ability to read movement and predict the way someone would react. You hadn’t asked for her reasons for coming to you but it had something to do with Matt…and his disappearance.

     “Hey, you’re getting better.” You patted her on the back and she hung her head slightly. “I know all of this can feel like a lot but it could make a world of difference. You’re already damn good with a gun and I think you should be proud of the progress you’ve made with hand-to-hand.” Karen let out a shaky breath.

     “Listen I’m not like you.” She gestured to your body sadly, “I’m too tall, willowy. No one has ever, or will ever be intimidated by me. And believe me I’ve tried to put on muscle but nothing works,” She inhaled an exasperated breath. Taking a step forward you embraced her. The two of you had gotten close. There was pain that only the two of you could understand. There was no need to talk about it, it was there regardless. Karen loved Matt, who was untouchable. You loved Frank, who was never yours to begin with.

     “And I’m short and a little stocky,” You shrugged your shoulders, “The thing is I learned how to work with what I’ve got. You’ll get there Karen, I promise. Now do you want to go get coffee?” She nodded and pulled on a thick jacket. Winter was brutal this year. Gathering your things you were surprised when her fingers laced through yours. She said nothing and you cherished the contact. The two of you were very similar. Two little girls chasing happiness and running from your past. You two walked hand in hand down the street not bothering with the stares.

     The warmth of the coffee warmed your body. Karen was looking at the cup in her hands like it had personally offended her.

     “Have you heard from him?” She finally asked you. Closing your eyes you took a shaky breath. Karen and Frank hadn’t left things off on the most amicable terms. It had surprised you when she contacted you, figuring she felt the same about your complicacy to help Frank.

     “No,” You breathed, “No I haven’t.” The night everything went down Frank had lain with you, arms around your waist and lips against your neck. When you woke up the next day he was gone. Frank was a private man, and if need time alone to process everything you could grant him that. Three days later his house blew up at a little past two in the morning. And in the ashes you found nothing but despair.

     “I’m sorry,” Karen tucked her chin into the heavy knit scarf she was wearing. And you knew she meant it. Reaching across the small table you gripped her wrist.

     “For what? Karen right now you’re pretty much the only good thing in my life. So thank you,” She smiled at you sadly, something that you returned immediately. Hell’s kitchen was cold. Your life was cold. Everything was shit.

___________________________________________________

     After speaking with Karen, you walked down the snowy New York streets. There was a cigarette between your fingers. The better part of your life had been spent chasing the shadow of Frank Castle. There were things that you had to come to terms with. Things you thought you were alright with. The poor psychologist tasked with keeping your head above water had prescribed you a new round of pills. They were working pretty well over all but sometimes things still got to be too much. And the nightmares were back. With Frank missing and your relationship with Billy rather rocky, you had precious few people left to turn to. Walking down a familiar road, you stood in front of a stone building. Warm light poured out into the dark streets. Opening the door, you stepped inside. One last order of business to tend to.

     Curtis sat at the head of the group leading discussion. There was a young man who looked fresh out of the desert watching him intently. Curtis stopped talking when he spotting you lingering in the door frame. A grin spread across his face, something that you couldn’t help but mirror.

     “If it isn’t the best damn corpsman I ever knew! C’mon sit down,” He ordered and you good naturedly pulled up a chair and sat down next to the young soldier. “Everyone this is one of my dearest friends. She’s a doctor straight out of Hell’s kitchen. Be sure to welcome her? Anything you want to share while we’re here.” You nodded and leaned back in your chair. The eyes on you felt heavy but you were surrounded by friends.

     “I served eight years in an area that saw a lot of action. It’s been a few years since I was active duty but I am still having a hard time adjusting to all of this. There were parts of me I left over there that I will never get back,” You spoke slowly, the words weighted and heavy. “But there are parts of me that died here too. And sometimes I wish I was back over there because it was easier. Wake up. Smell sweat and sand. Hear a bunch of men laughing and yelling. Patch up the boys who got hurt. Go to bed. Repeat. That has always been easier for me. Living is hard. And I am just tired.” Curtis clasped his hands together and leaned forward. Those kind eyes sliding over you like a warm blanket.

     “That’s a pretty normal thing to feel though, you’re a doctor you know that.” Curtis spoke evenly and there was that gentle tone he reserved beautiful and broken things.

     “Yes it is, but I want to live again. There are things I miss doing. Like shopping for dresses that I’ll actually wear or eating an entire tub of ice cream just because I feel like it and not because I’m sad. I want to have a sense of normalcy. I don’t want to live my life looking over my shoulder for a threat that’s no longer there,” You told him, and there were few nods within the group.

     “Well it sounds to me like you just gotta keep movin’ forwards until you find that again,”

     After the meeting Curtis handed you a cup of coffee and wrapped an arm around your shoulders. He was the one thing that hadn’t changed. Despite all the shit and hell in the world. Curtis was still good. The world might have gone mad but good old Curtis was still standing tall and strong. You leaned against him and just breathed.

     “You doin’ okay?” He asked you and the two of you leaned back against the wall, “I saw Billy the other day and he said you had started drinking again.” You rolled your eyes and looked up at him.

     “Billy needs to mind his own damn business, but I never stopped drink just got better about hiding it Curtis,” You muttered, fucking Billy. Reaching inside your purse you pulled out a check and handed him a check, “Here’s enough for the next six months. Get some real coffee and food,” Curtis laughed and took the check. Between you and Billy, you kept his dream alive. Something that you had been behind from the start. Curtis did good work.

     “I’m serious are you good?” Curtis was never one to let a sleeping dog lie. Pursing your lips you looked out the window.

     “Nah, not really. I am just keeping my head above the water at the moment. But I’m on meds and seeing a professional,” That earned you a sharp look. Whoops, mentioning the meds had been a bad idea.

     “You know drinking on anti-depressants and anxiety meds is not a good idea. C’mon you’re smarter than this,” He rumbled. Stepping towards the window, you pressed your fingertips against the glass to feel the cold.

     “When was the last time you felt like you might die Curtis?” You didn’t look at him and just watched the people on the streets below.

     “Probably when I lost my leg,” He answered honestly, “And for a long while after that.” You did turn to look at him. The expression on his face softened slightly.

     “That feeling never went away for me Curt. It’s like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and I’ll just fade away. Half the time I expect the grim reaper to be standing behind me with his hand out,” It was a feeling that woke you up in the middle of the night unable to breathe, an invisible noose.

     “You know that I love you right?” Curtis hand came to rest on your shoulder. “I’ve known you for a decade now and believe me when I say you are one of the most alive people I know. There are soldiers who come out of war numb and dead-eyed. But not you. When you got back I got to watch you come alive. Always on. It wasn’t until Frank died that I saw the dead look on your face. And most people would probably say that your relationship with him is unhealthy but I’d say you two were the best thing this world has known. Because despite the shit you remained good, solid. And you did that with him. Now you gotta learn to be you without him. It’s gonna take time, but you’ll get there. You’ll get there.” You hugged Curtis tight, head resting against his chest. For the first time in months you were relieved.

___________________________________________________

     Walking home you were about a block away from the subdivision. The wind was rustling the trees. Street lights were casting shadows. There was a van following about twenty feet behind you, snow crunching under the tires. Taking a deep breath you kept walking. Hand going into your purse, your fingers rested on your gun. One. Two. Three. You stopped and tilted your head up to look at the sky. The stars were bright. Smiling down at you as snow fell against your skin. The vehicle stopped and the door swung open. Heavy armor and weaponry.

     “If you’re planning on attacking, I suggest you do it before I get back to my home. The last thing I need is bullet holes in my walls, they were just painted.” You turned. There was a group of men dressed in all black, faces covered. Five, you counted five including the driver. Dropping your bag to the ground you raised your pistol and took a steady breath. This was life now.

     “You need to come with us,” One of the men said, his voice surprisingly calm. They were in formation. It figured that they had military training. Shrugging your shoulders you fired off a round into the man’s kneecap. He fell to his knees.

     “Fuck off,” You snarled at them, “I have had an absolutely shit day and I am not in the mood buddy.” Something else had changed in the time that Frank had been away. Your abilities had morphed, transformed. It was no longer just taking away pain. It was more. You could see the sensation leave the men as their eyes darted frantically about. Pulling up your scarf you covered your face and walk forwards. They stood paralyzed. And you could feel their fear. Good, you thought. Gripping the man’s face who’d spoken, you raised your gun.

     “I’m so sick of you fuckers,” You hated it, that Kandahar was here in New York. That the past was haunting you even here. You fired the first bullet and then four more. Blood ran into the streets. Lights were turning on in people’s homes. You faded into shadows.

     Unlocking the front door, you ducked inside. You slipped out of your jacket and gloves. Toed off your shoes. Walking to the kitchen you climbed onto the counter and pulled out a bottle of liquor. Not bothering to look at what it was you chugged. Fuck it. Fuck everything. It was time to move on. Time to stop caring. There was still blood on your hands when you kicked open your bedroom door. Slamming your bottle down on the bedside table, you tugged your shirt over your head. Angry you threw it on the floor. God damn it.

     fourteen steps later and you were in the bathroom  and you looked in the mirror, really looked at yourself. The scars were ugly and twisted against your skin. None of it made sense. Why were they coming after you? All you wanted was to be left alone. The blood from those men was a stain. Honestly you were too pissed to even wash it off. You just looked at it.

     “Is that blood?” Someone asked and you swung without a second thought. Billy caught your hand wide eyed.

     “What the fuck Bill?” You exclaimed and took in a breath of relief. Then you realized that he was in your home uninvited. “Why are you in my house?” He took a step back and raised his hands defensively.

     “There was a shooting a few blocks from here and you didn’t answer your phone. I was concerned,” He answered and looked you over. Checking for injuries or blood that might have belonged to you.

     “So what you just let yourself in?” You shoved his chest hard. There was still so much anger from the last fight that it was fueling your rage. Righting himself, Billy grabbed both your arms with one hand and wiped the blood spatter off your face with the other.

     “Did anyone see you come in like this?” He questioned. Despite everything Billy was willing to cover for your ass should you need it. Angry you used your little trick with your powers to lock him up for a moment and push past him.

     “No Billy,” Your voice had taken on an annoyed tone, “No one saw me, what do you think I am? An idiot?” Bill shook off the numbness from your powers and advanced on you so fast you barely had time to react.

     “No I think you’re being reckless and endangering yourself so you can feel something,” You wrinkled your nose and pursed your lips.

     “Really Bill? And what am I trying to feel?” You crossed your arms over your chest and waited. Stepping in close Billy pointed to the bullet scar under your collar bone.

     “Nothing good judging by all that blood on you,” You laughed bitterly and yanked a tee shirt out of the top drawer of your bureau.

     “Fuck off William, or did I not make that clear the last time you were here?” It was his turn to look pissed. Grabbing the shirt from your hands, he stared you down with a nasty look in his eyes.

     “I’m done. I am done watching your tear yourself open and apart over a ghost!” He snapped and you froze in place. The two of you stood silent for a moment, the words sinking in. Despite all of your arguments with him, neither of you had brought it up before..

     “Just because you were in love with Frank Castle for over a decade Billy does not mean you get to take that shit out on me.” He reeled away from you like he’d been slapped, “Whoops, wasn’t supposed to know that was I?” You almost taunted but it felt cruel so you softened your posture and wiped the glare off your face.

     “I didn’t-”

     “Oh c’mon on Billy let’s be honest with ourselves here,” You spoke quietly and put a hand on his bicep. It was time, you figured, that the two of you had a talk. “I know you loved him because I spent the better of my adult life feeling the same way. So let’s just skip the bullshit,” He deflated slowly, tension lowering out of him. This fight needed to happen, you wanted your best friend back.

     “You knew?” You nodded and put your hands on your hips.

     “Yeah, for a long time. The thing is Billy, you’re terrible at hiding your feelings. That’s of the reasons I adore you. You feel everything too deeply for your own good. Frank wasn’t mine. He wasn’t yours.” Reaching up you cupped his cheek, “And this isn’t healthy. My drinking isn’t healthy in the same way, I know that.”

     “You weren’t mine either,” He said softly and traced a hand over the skin of your exposed shoulder. And you froze, locked up. “You were never mine to love.” You smiled sadly and got onto your tip toes. The kiss you pressed to his lips was soft, a goodbye that both of you needed.

     “No, but at least we tried.” And you held him close, sinking to the ground. The two of you cried, wrapped around on another.

___________________________________________________

      The door closed behind Billy and  you sighed. Things weren’t ever going to be the way they were before. There was damage between the two of you that would take time to heal. But you could get there.

     “That was some spat,” You spun around. Frank stood in the kitchen, leaning against the countertop. Exhausted from the long night you walked over to him and searched his face. The clock on the wall read 3:45. The months had been kind to him; his face was full and it looked like he had been taking care of himself. His hair was shaggy and for the first time since you’d known him, Frank had a beard.

     “This is new.” You ran a hand over his cheek and he closed his eyes. The distance between you was mere inches but it felt like miles. Whatever was haunting him was still there. And it was a wall that you couldn’t cross. But it seemed like some of the rage was gone and in its place was quiet determination.

     “I needed a change. I need-my head wasn’t in the right place,” He tried to explain. Shushing him, you nudged him to the stairs.

     “I know,” You spoke as softly as you could, “We can talk in the morning,”

     Frank settled into the bed behind you. Not touching. There were no more tears left to shed or words left to say. Silently you scooted back against him and just breathed. It didn’t have to be perfect, nothing about any of this was. Frank didn’t speak either, just traced small circles over your belly. Then pressed his palm flat against your skin. Taking a deep breath you closed your eyes. They traced over every scar like an apology. Neither of you could forget the past because you wore it like a badge across your bodies. These were the pains that you couldn’t heal. Those little infections of the mind.

     “I love you,” You breathed out. It took a moment before Frank let out his own shaky breath and answered.

     “I love you too little bird,”

___________________________________________________

     _“Jesus Christ what the hell happened?” You screeched walking into the barracks. The cots were pressed against the wall, all the men in your unit were present, and Billy’s nose was bleed. Looking between him and Frank you frowned, hands on your hips._

_“Ma’am, Castle and Russo had a disagreement, they worked it out the old fashioned way.” Gunner offered you and it was unbelievable that this was justifiable to them. Men!_

_“Well I spent nine hours today patching up soldiers who were injured in actual combat situations. There are things I expect to come home to. Two of the men in my unit beating the is not one of them. None the less my best friends! You two outside now!” You snagged Billy by the arm pressed a tissue to his nose. Frank traveled close behind and actually managed to look ashamed. Once out in the almost bearable night air, you looked between them._

_“Sorry birdie,” Frank muttered and rubbed his face. Billy glowered at Frank but just looked ridiculous._

_“I don’t care about apologizes. What the hell happened?” You demanded an explanation from them. Billy looked up and spoke cautiously._

_“Frank wants you transferred out of the unit despite being the one who recommended you,” You whipped your head to look up at Frank. He didn’t look away and just met your gaze._

_“Wow, really Frank.” You knew he had been acting funny since you’d been assigned to them._

_“We do dangerous shit here. I don’t want you in the middle of it.” For the first time in your life you slapped him across the face. Billy looked shocked._

_“Oh shut the fuck up. I’m a big girl and I can handle myself! Don’t you ever try and shield me from this shit. It just pisses me off,” Billy snickered and you turned to look at him. He froze unable to escape your ire. “And you. He is your best friend. I don’t need you to defend my honor like I am some fair maiden. This stops here. Am. I. Clear?” They both nodded. It was going to be a long deployment. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be._

 


	2. And I Pay My Debt With Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blood and bile. The smell hit your nose as you entered the medical tent. Schoonover had been your priority. Amputation from the elbow down. Now you stood in a room of bloody men. The first thing that caught your eye was Billy, sitting in the corner and looking at his bloody hands. Then your gaze drifted to Frank. Bent over, he was emptying his stomach into a metal bucket; after that was done he spit up blood.

"I walk through the valley of the shadow of death  
And I'll fear no evil because I'm blind to it all  
And my mind and my gun they comfort me  
Because I know I'll kill my enemies when they come  
  
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life  
And I will dwell on this earth forevermore  
Still I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul  
But I can't walk on the path of the right because I'm wrong  
  
Well I came upon a man at the top of a hill  
Called himself the savior of the human race  
Said he come to save the world from destruction and pain  
But I said how can you save the world from itself  
  
'Cause I walk through the valley of the shadow of death  
And I'll fear no evil 'cause I'm blind  
And I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul  
But I know when I die my soul is damned"

\- "Through the Valley", Shawn James

 

_Blood and bile. The smell hit your nose as you entered the medical tent. Schoonover had been your priority. Amputation from the elbow down. Now you stood in a room of bloody men. The first thing that caught your eye was Billy, sitting in the corner and looking at his bloody hands. Then your gaze drifted to Frank. Bent over, he was emptying his stomach into a metal bucket; after that was done he spit up blood. Panicked you rushed forward and gripped his face. Unresponsive and shaking, he stared straight ahead. This was bad so bad. Frank had called it from the start. A trap._

_“Frankie, look at me.” You started to strip away his gear to get to the bullet wound located near his shoulder. “Francis David Castle you look at me.” Frank’s eyes darted up to your face but you could tell he wasn’t really hearing you. This was bad. The area around the bullet was bruising badly. There was also likely internal bruising or bleeding. Add a concussion in there and you had a mess to deal with. Behind you the flap of the tent opened. Agent Orange stepped in. The man had his hands on his hips flippantly surveying the room._

_“Did you get em’?” You heard the man say and prayed someone anyone would shut him up. Frank looked up, some clarity coming back to his eyes. “Did you kill the target?” Frank started panting in short breaths and shook harder._

_“What’d you say,” he stuttered and shoved you over. You hit the ground hard, body jarring. Billy was out of his seat in a matter of moments. “What’d you say you say you piece of shit?” You knew that walk, that posture._

_“Whoa, whoa. Hey!” Billy barked out as Frank grabbed the agent’s shirt collar._

_“You did this!” The punch threw ruptured Agent Orange’s eye, splattering blood. “You did this, you hear me! I’ll kill you!” You were on Frank the second after Billy. Using a bit of your strength, you carried him kicking and screaming out of the room. Billy stepped forward to deal with Frank while you put your body between him and the door. Acting as a human barrier._

_“You want to kill the man? I cannot let you do that man! Stand down!” Billy ordered the soldiers trying to shoulder their way past you._

_“Why are you protecting that piece of shit?” Frank moved into Billy’s space getting in his face before backing off again. You pursed your lips and remained silent. You were missing too much of the story to be of use right now._

_“I’m protecting you! Guys like that, guys like that it’s never on them!” Billy gestured wildly out the door. Frank threw a chair at the lockers containing the units’ gear. You didn’t flinch. Eyes forward, chin up. Eventually Frank took a knee and gripped his injured arm. In that moment Billy looked stuck somewhere between heartbroken and furious. Over what you weren’t really sure. “Open your eyes man. This whole thing-This whole thing is Bullshit! You don’t like the way that it smells? Get out! I am!” Oh, you reeled back in surprise and made a noise that caught Billy’s attention. Big brown, whiskey colored eyes landed on you. They were burning. Billy Russo was burning._

_“Billy,” You murmured and Frank looked up at the two of you panting._

_“I requested a transfer back to Force. I can’t…We-we can’t do this anymore! Let’s get out. I mean look at us. Frank! Look at yourself.” Billy looked between the two of you and you brushed a hand along the back of his neck. The way he leaned into it had your heart breaking into three pieces. Turning on his heel, he patted your cheek smearing blood there. That just left you and Frank._

_The thing most people didn’t understand about Frank was that if he was patching himself up, he was fine. Unshakable. Anyone else and he was a big giant baby. You numbed his skin with your hands, leeching the pain away. Lying in that hospital bed he seemed small and young._

_“I-Billy’s right Frank,” You murmured and stitched the hole in his chest closed. X-rays showed no internal bleeding just a little bruising. Honestly it was a blessing. But Frank was high on adrenaline and feeling rather good thanks to your abilities so he was ready for a fight._

_“Listen to me-” He sputtered._

_“No you listen to me! We cannot keep doing this Frank! I am so damn tired. And look at you,” You looked at his bloody form. The rest of the staff was leaving and didn’t bother to adjust your tone. “I physically am at the end of the line, my body is in agony. Mentally I don’t have much left to give either. Frankie, I cannot keep watching you do this. I cannot keep patching you up! After this deployment I’m done-” You bit your lip and tears welled up at the corners of your eyes. Hands caught yours and Frank looked at you. He was as tired as you, the difference is that he didn’t know how to stop._

_“Birdie, I can’t-I don’t know how,” Leaning in your pressed your forehead to his._

_“Stop, we just stop.”_

_Finding Billy was pretty damn easy considering that he was at the barracks with Gunner standing guard at the door. That man was far too kind and clever for his own good._

_“Ma’am I am gonna say this and I mean no offense because I’m scared of you but you need to leave.” It was quiet for a minute before you looked up at the man. His eyes were soft but vigilant._

_“Just let me through Gunner,” You placed a gentle hand on his chest. It surprised you when he gripped your shoulders and forced you to take a step back._

_“We went through hell tonight ma’am. And I know you and Billy are real close but this ain’t nothin like before. You need to turn around and give him some space,” Clenching your jaw you tried to roll his grip off but the hands remained. “I know you’re gifted and all, so please don’t make a fool of me tonight.” Sighing you relaxed and the hands were instantly gone._

_“I can take away his pain,” You said meekly, it was ingrained in you. That constant need to help. “Please, I am not gonna talk about what happened. I’m gonna patch him up and leave, okay?” Gunner pondered for a moment and moved aside. The medical bag felt twice as heavy as you stepped into the room._

_There was no sound in the room. It was quiet. God was smiling down at the base at that moment. Billy sat on the edge of his bed, head in hands. Without a word you settled on your knees and looked him over. The blood on his hands was his own, scrapes ran the lengths of his palms and the back of his hands. Wetting a piece of gauze, you smoothed it over the skin. Repeating this until it was clean, you rolled his hands over inspecting. Nothing else to do there beside disinfect the area and move on._

_“Can I remove this?” You asked, gesturing to his shirt. There was a small nod and you pulled the torn garment over his head. More scrapes and a couple of bruises littered his chest. Though he was numb due to your powers, he still flinched when you traced your fingers over a bruise on his ribs. Undoubtedly he had fallen against something during the artillery fire. “Sorry,” You murmured. Billy said nothing only looked at the ground. Then came his face. Gently you tipped his chin up and shone a light into his eyes. Normal pupillary reaction. Instead of gauze you went to the sink at the corner of the room and wet a cloth. Returning to Billy, you ran it over his forehead, across his cheeks, under his jaw, and down his neck. It came away dirty and rusty with blood. With a quiet movement you set down the wash cloth and packed up your medical kit. When you moved to walk to the door his hands gripped your hips._

_“Stay,” He asked, voice breaking. Running your fingers through his filthy hair, you nodded._

_It was a few minutes before Billy did anything other than hold your hips, head bowed. When he finally did, it was to rest his head on your belly. Cupping your hand against his neck, you cradled his head._

_“When I was a little girl, I was always scared.” You gently massaged the tender skin near his ears. You couldn’t look at him eyes trained on the wall behind his body. “My dad wasn’t a good man; sometimes he’d have a bit too much to drink hit me or my mum. Sometimes it was just words. You’re worthless. You were a mistake. For years I struggled…with everything. All I wanted was to be free. To make decisions for myself. To not be the pretty little rich girl who was her father’s pet. Then I joined the military. And for a while I had that. My own life. Then I got captured. That all went to shit faster than I could blink. And just when-just when I thought I was going to die. In comes you, and I remember just being so surprised. Here I was on my deathbed, bleeding and battered, and you swooped in. I was shocked that anyone had come for me or that you were gentle with me. After that you became my family. My friend. I just want you to know that whatever you do I’ll support it.” Billy looked up then, eyes roaming your face. Bending you pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose._

_“Thank you,” You wiped the tears away from his eyes._

_“There’s no need for that. Get some rest. I’ll be two feet away if you need me. You crawled onto your bed and let your hair down. That night your pillow had never felt colder._

_____________________________________________________

     The smell of coffee and eggs woke you up. Rubbing your eyes, you padded down the stairs to the kitchen. Frank was sitting there, the morning post in his hand. Head freshly shaved. Blurry eyed you sat down at the bar. It was a matter of seconds before a cup of coffee was placed in front of you. Frank was a morning person, had no trouble getting out of bed. You on the other hand could stay there all day. Although that could also be the depression.

     “Found these in the cupboard.” He tossed you two bottles of pills. Citalopram and Valium. It was heavy shit. It made it even harder to get moving. Popping off the top to the bottles, you downed the pills.

     “I’m depressed,” You stated. Frank looked you with a clench of his jaw, “And no, it’s got nothin to do with you.” The movement of your hands was sluggish and uncoordinated when you reached for the coffee cup. Damn side effects. The valium was the worst, it made nearly completely unfocused. Hence your current sabbatical from work.

     “Is it really that bad?” Frank questioned and his voice was gruff. Sighing, you looked out the window. Across the street Mrs. Braum was getting the paper.

     “Sometimes,” You answered honestly, “Mostly it keeps me from having panic attacks or from staying in bed all day. You were one of the lucky ones. Daddy’s money was easy to fall back on. Frank stepped close and caressed your cheek.

     “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this.” Where he was fresh face, you were pale and thin.

     “m’okay,” You savored the touch. It meant the world that he was trying. “Shits weird, you know?” That earned you a laugh and a kiss on your head.

     “Sorry to ruin the moment but I gotta go take care of something,” He muttered and there was that look in his eye. Nodding, you sipped your coffee.

     “Promise you’ll call if you need me?” You asked but he knew what you really meant. Don’t be stupid.

___________________________________________________

     Curtis was sitting down when you turned the corner. Jumping when he saw you, he clutched his chest.

     “Jesus, both of you.” Billy was sat down next to Curtis, dressed in a form fitting suit. The medication was sedating you and made your limbs heavy. This was not the state you wanted Billy to see you in. That was the difference between the two men sitting before you. The things you wanted Billy to see were the pretty parts of you. Curtis, well he’d already seen the worst. The man had held your hair as you puked your guts up after one too many drinks. The man had stood vigilant at Frank’s first funeral. One was determined to put you back together and the other one was determined to take you as you came. Broken or not.

     “Sorry,” You pulled a chair down from the stand and settled across from them, “I was just having a bad day,” You told them. The concern on Curtis’ face was understandable. Even if you and Billy were on rocky ground, you figured it wouldn’t hurt for him to know.

     “You okay?” Curtis tilted your head from one side to the other.

     “The medication I’m on makes me fuzzy, clumsy, and restless. I just needed to get out of the house. And I wanted your opinion on something but that can wait,” You turned to Billy and he offered you one in return.

     “As I was saying Curtis, you always were good at putting people back together.” That piqued your interest slightly.

     “You should stay, see what you’re paying for” Billy inhaled sharply and that made you cringe. Just like you, there were parts of him that he ignored. The damage done in his time of service was one of them.

     “I don’t need that,” He looked away from Curtis and traced the walls with his eyes.

     “Which is why you should stay,” You shook your head slightly. It would never happen, “It’d be good for these guys to see someone like them who made a second life.” And that was the root of Billy’s problem. That second life became everything to him.

     “I’d feel guilty that I got out in time,” Billy explained and leaned forward on his knees. The debate continued and you could see the moral struggle going on between Billy and Curtis. At his core Billy was a narcissist with a good heart. Willing to give a considerable amount of money but not himself for a cause. You were willing to give everything, including your body and mind to the right cause. Curtis had found the perfect balance between the two. None of you had come out of the war unscarred but you had each healed differently. That made the world of difference.

     After a while Billy got up and once more offered Curtis a position at Anvil. All of you knew he wouldn’t take it. The work wouldn’t suit him. Standing as well, you waited until you heard the door shut and helped Curtis up. Taking a moment you weighed your options before you spoke. Throwing caution to the wind.

     “So Frank is alive,” Curtis just sighed and looked at you, “But I think you already knew that.” It didn’t hurt that Curtis had known before you. It made you happy. Happy that Frank had someone else who he could trust.

     “Fucking Frank,” Curtis chuckled. “I told him to leave you the hell alone, give you time to heal. Guess he chose to ignore that,” You laughed softly. Frank had always been good at ignoring orders from those he was closest too.

     “Fucking Frank,” You echoed and hugged Curtis. “Thank you for taking care of him,” Rumbling with laughter, Curtis let you go. Making you way to the door, you offered him a final wave of goodbye.

___________________________________________________

     One hand in Karen’s hair, you kept the pressure tight but not painful.

     “Okay now you want to reach back with both hands and grab my wrist. Remember if someone is doing this for real this is going to hurt you as well.” Her hand came up and gripped your wrist tight. “Now twist your body down and under my arm. This is going to make them release and put their arm in an uncomfortable position. Kick to the shin or knee. Run.” You ran her the motion again and again. Karen got the hang of it fast. After that you were debating whether or not to go into the next lesson. It would be a little less comfortable for the two of you. But considering that she had been taken hostage at gunpoint only a few months previously, it was probably a good idea. Walking to you pulled out the plastic gun and turned to face her. Karen’s face immediately paled.

     “Are you sure that’s a good idea,” She knew the gun wasn’t real but it didn’t stop her from being nervous.

     “Karen if I’m being honest, you’re a shit magnet. And you report on some of the most dangerous crimes and criminals in New York. You have been taken hostage and framed for murder. You know how to use a gun but you don’t know what to do if it’s pointed at you.” The mood in the room changed, something was off.

     “I killed someone. Someone pointed a gun at me, threatened my co-workers, and I just reacted.” Blinking you sat down and waited for her to talk.

     You knew that Karen was survivor the second you met her. But honestly you had no idea she was carrying around something like this.

     “And no one else knows about this?” You questioned her. If it had been one shot it would have been self-defense. Emptying a clip into someone was pure rage or panic. If you had to guess it was the former. Even if Karen had a light to her, she also had darkness that surrounded her. It hung like a shadow.

     “No, no one knows.” Karen had her head in her hands. You rubbed her back and sighed. Survival was rarely a beautiful thing. People didn’t come out of it kinder, or better. They came out burning and fearful.

     “Well its safe with me,” You assured her. And stood. “Let’s get-” Your phone rang, Frank’s number. Excusing yourself, you picked up.

     “Hello?”

     “Frank is currently passed out in my base. Unharmed, I feel I should clarify first,” Tightening your grip on the phone, you looked up at the surrounding buildings.

     “Who is this?” You questioned. This was bad so fucking bad.

     “Just someone who knows what Frank did. What you did. What you covered up,” Panic rose in your throat.

     “And what will you do with him? With this information?” You swallowed hard. The man on the other end of the line laughed.

     “I am going to send you an address and a photo of Frank so that you know he’s alive. I expect you here within the hour.” The line went dead. Rushing inside you told Karen that something had come up, an emergency. Immediately she let you go.

___________________________________________________

     Honestly you didn’t know what you had been expecting but a tall, skinny, and scruffy man dressed in sweat pants and bathrobe was definitely not it. It honestly threw you off so much you couldn’t form words.

     “He’s inside, sedated.” The man stated with his lips pressed into a thin line. From what you could tell this man was reasonably harmless and quite frankly looked like he would blow over in a soft breeze. There was something about him that just resonated with you. It was the exhaustion on his face that really did it. It was the same bone deep ache you felt.

     “Why did you sedate him?” You questioned lowly and didn’t move from the spot outside your car. The man offered you a tired laugh.

     “Frank tied me to a chair naked to interrogate me,” Oh, well that made sense.

     “You must have lulled him into a sense of security to get the drop on him.” This time you got a full belly laugh.

     “Lady you have no idea,”

     David Lieberman was a man you weren’t really sure what to do with. There was a rebellious spark in him that instantly made you like him. Frank was, as promised, absolutely fine. You could count on a single hand the times you’d see him look so peaceful.

     “You were the lead doctor during the Kandahar missions.” David spoke softly. Looking up from Frank you offered him a small nod.

     “They wouldn’t let me go on missions. I never thought twice about it until my boys started coming back injured more and more often. I never told Frank but I think I always knew Cerberus was dirty. But the people I loved most were involved.” It didn’t justify the hand you had in keeping the troops in an area they had no business being. Or that you’d kept the actions a secret after being discharged.

     “You feel guilty?” He asked you and fiddled with the pen in his hand. That was a hard question to answer.

     “For keeping my boys alive, no.” You answered honestly.

     “But,” David added on.

     “But I could have spoken up,”

___________________________________________________

     Frank woke slowly. Eyes blinking and the coming to rest on you and David.

     “Slowly Frankie,” You eased him upright, “You got hit with a sedative. You might feel woozy or lethargic.” Frank looked at you with a glare that would have made anyone else stop in their tracks.

     “Have a cup of coffee,” David said and sat the mug down on the bedside…table? It wasn’t really a table, just a makeshift stand.

     “Why didn’t you kill me?” Frank asked and gripped your bicep to remain upright. That made David chuckled. You hummed low in your throat.

     “Oh my god man. You didn’t listen to a thing I said. You gotta be the most stubborn…Why didn’t I kill you? Jesus.” Both of them were two incredibly driven men who didn’t quite know what to do with one another. Grabbing the coffee, you put it in Frank’s hands.

     “Drink,” You ordered and he complied almost on auto-pilot. That raised David’s eyebrows.

     “The codes?” Frank muttered bitterly.

     “Turned that off,” David replied quickly with a smug look, “You know it’s like you said. Routines, right? Patterns.” Frank’s head dropped and you scratched your fingers over the back of his neck.

     “Breathe,” You murmured. David was apparently feeling the need to rub it a little more however.

     “They lull us into a sense of, uh, normality. A false sense of security. We cease to question. Even somebody like you,” Frank rubbed a hand over his face and had his other on your thigh.

     “You asshole,” Frank breathed out almost appreciatively. It was rare for someone to drop him without coming out worse for the wear. Sometimes it was good to knock Frank down a peg, humble him.

     “You know these men that tried to kill us, they have patterns. Patterns that don’t involve you and me. They think we’re dead,” That caught your attention. So that was what David was trying to do.  

     “Lieberman, I don’t do partners. I don’t do things that put her in the crossfire,” Frank directed at you and you rolled your eyes.

     “Get over yourself. There is no place for emotion here, you know?” You did know, you knew painfully well. “You and me have both done things we would like to take back. We can’t. But we’re not the bad guys right? They are.” He didn’t fully comprehend it. But you had been. Bad. Cerberus had been the worst kind of bad.

___________________________________________________

_“You wanted to see me,” You said and entered the command tent. Agent Orange was standing at the head of the table. Patch over his eye. You almost smirked at that but instead straightened your back._

_“Yes I did,” He spoke low in his chest and turned. There was something about the man that made your skin crawl. Instinct. “It has come to my attention that you are gifted.” Well that wasn’t what you had been expecting. Nodding your head, you kept your eyes forwards._

_“Nothing too special. I can affect a person’s dopamine and endorphins and shut down parts of the nervous system rendering a person pain free. I cannot however heal the body itself. I’m more like an epidural.” Agent Orange nodded. You needed to get out of the room. Men like that never wanted anything good._

_“You recently sent a request in to be transferred to a less active area. But your gifts make you a valuable member of this team. All of the men adore you. Why should I grant this request?” Taking a deep breath, you met his eyes for the first time._

_“Because where I go Frank Castle will follow. And I don’t think you want a man like Frank around if you plan on continuing whatever dirty shit you’re doing. My mother was a spook and I know one when I see one. I know you’ve got us knee deep in shit we shouldn’t be trudging through. And I’ve never been very good at playing things close to the chest but I was also raised by a snake and a badger. I know how much a reputation is worth,” You told him. bargain, you thought, he won’t deny me this. Agent Orange smiled._

_“I knew you were a smart girl,” He commented and slid a paper across the table. DD214 was printed at the top of the paper. Your hands shook as you picked up the paper. “We had you declared no longer fit to serve due to a combination of medical complications and mental health concerns. It’s honorable, if you’re curious.” Clutching the paper you looked up at him._

_“I won’t thank you for this,” You told him slowly, “And please remember something if anything, and I mean anything, happens to Frank Castle or Billy Russo on your watch I will personally end your life.” Agent Orange laughed._

_“Of that I am quite sure,” He smirked, “But I doubt dying at the hands of a woman like you would be all that bad. Dismissed.”_

_Once you were out of the tent, you clutched the papers tight against your chest. This wasn’t luck. This was a very powerful man getting you out of his way. It was odd but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. The desert heat beat down on your face as you looked to the sky. It was a cloudless day. Pretty even. This was a blessing. It didn’t feel that way though. You just hoped whatever this paper meant didn’t get you killed._

_One month later_

_“Hey,” One of the nurses on your floor smiled. There was a large bouquet of flowers. “These came for you. Where would you like me to set them?” Your hands shook as you reached out and took them from her._

_“These are Belladonna,” You murmured and stroked a finger over the little purple bloom. The watched as you sat the flowers down on the nurses’ station desk. “They’re poisonous.” There was a skill your father had taught you when you were young.  The language of flowers was a rather cryptic but useful art in certain circles. They could easily be a confession of love or a damnation. Belladonna had a long and dark lore associated with them. It was named for Atropa, one of the Greek Fates whose job it was to cut the threads of a life. It was heavily associated with death. But in the language of flowers it meant silence. Taking a moment to look over the pretty little blossoms, you didn’t have to ponder who sent them to you. There was a small not attached, one that you pulled off and read. **Promises to keep.** Agent Orange didn’t give you freedom. He had given you some rope and just enough to hang yourself with if you weren’t careful. Forcing a smile on your face, you turned back to the nurse. Silence, got it._

_“Thank you,” You said and walked slowly down the hall. It felt like walking to the gallows._

_____________________________________________________

     The video played and your stomach was in your throat. You looked at Frank and you didn’t know whether to be furious or just disgusted. How? How did he do this? Heroin and murder. Standing up straight, you looked at the man you loved.

     “Really Frank?” You felt like this was a man that you didn’t know. David even seemed surprised at your reaction. “I covered for you! Goddamn it Frank I let Agent Orange buy my fucking silence! I let him-” Frank looked up at you, eyes squinted.

     “You did what?” He questioned in disbelief. Scrubbing a hand over your face. Time to own up. Time to face the music and be a big girl.

     “I traded Agent Orange me, you, and Billy’s freedom for my silence about Kandahar. I knew Frank. I knew it was dirty. But jesus-if I had known that we were judge, jury, and executioner for innocent people I would have blown the whistle on the whole thing,” Frank’s hands shook. Behind him David tucked his chin.

     “That would have gotten you, me, Billy, and my family slaughtered!” He slammed his hand down on the table. Meeting his eyes, you decided not to pull your punches this time. Decided that you were tired of just telling half-truths.

     “They died anyways Frank! We were supposed to die too!” He was out of his seat and in your face.

     “Would it have been better if they died for the truth? Would that have justified it?” He snarled at you and you shoved him hard in the chest.

     “No but at least I wouldn’t be here picking up the pieces Frank! Fuck I should have died with them. Nothing’s changed! We are still just pawns that those men are pushing around! You’re killing yourself and I’m sewing you back together!” You snapped at him and Frank reeled away from you. David put a hand between the two of you.

     “I think that’s enough,” Your head snapped up to look at him in fury, “We’ve all got shit we want gone right? Guess what, we get to live with it. You survived. Now you get to live with that trauma for the rest of your life. You two need to grow up and face reality. The past is the past, move on and man up.” You bit the inside of your lip and ducked away from Frank.

     “I can’t be here right now,” You told them. Time, you needed time to process all of this. “Call me if you need anything,” You murmured softly and kissed Frank’s cheek to let him know that you were still there for him regardless of how mad you were. There was nothing else to do.

___________________________________________________

     The bar was surprisingly empty when you entered. The smell of greasy food and booze was comforting. Sliding off your jacket you sat down next to a dark haired woman and small man.

     “Rum and coke, Captain please, and a shot of top shelf tequila.” Taking a breath you checked your phone and saw a message from Billy. **_I need to talk to you._** Was all the message read. Great, just great.

     “Rough night?” The woman next to you asked. She was attractive and carried herself with an air of authority. The man next to her did a double take and looked at you critically.

     “Why did Wolf have pictures of you in his home?” You glass nearly slid out of your hands when he spoke. Twisting in your seat your hand moved to your ankle where you had a pistol holstered.

     “Excuse me?” You uttered and blinked. The woman looked you up and down. You knew that name, Wolf, why did you know that name.

     “Agent Dinah Madani, Homeland security.” She introduced herself. And you got a sickening feeling in your belly. “What can you tell me about Kandahar?” Downing your shot, you looked at the woman. Today really wasn’t your day, was it?

     “Well Agent Madani,” You clenched your jaw, “Nothing that I can tell you. But if you were to by chance look into soldiers stationed in the area and look for a gap. I think you might find something you’re looking for.” You tossed a hundred down on the bar and stood. Taking a look back at her, you nodded. Fuck it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over the course of the story I have painted the reader's relationship with Frank as unconditional. Now I want to add in the moral conflict of what they as people did. They are both people doing what they thought was right. I hope that it comes across the way I intended.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated.


	3. Chanel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was too much all of it. You sat in your room staring at the red walls and stone floors. There were only so many times you could count the tiles and cracks. The door swung open and your mother stepped inside. Tall and beautiful, she made you feel very small in comparison.

"If you want we could be runaways  
Running from any sight of love  
Yeah, yeah, there ain't nothing  
There ain't nothing here for me  
There ain't nothing here for me anymore  
But I don't wanna be alone"

\- "Desperado", Rihanna 

            “What’s-what’s wrong with your face?” David asked as you took a seat at the compute. Turning to look at him, you tried to frown.

            “I went to see the most sadistic of doctors,” You mumbled through the novocaine. David nodded in understanding.

            “Ah the dentist,” He murmured, “The equalizer of all men,” And a truer statement had never been spoken. In the last year you had been neglecting to take care of yourself, missing a number of important doctor’s visits. Recently you’d been on the ups so you decided it was time. It was then that Frank walked in. His gait sleepy and slow, clearly having just woken up. Looking at you, he gripped your chin and surveyed your face.

            “Dentist?” You nodded, things were still tense between the two of you. “Get some ice on that, you bruise easier than any other person on this planet.” He wasn’t wrong, that was the sad part. Squinting, you looked at something resting atop a table nearby.

            “Wow Frankie,” You chirped happily, “Didn’t realize pink was your color,” Immediately he caught on to what you were talking about and grumbled under his breath. Well, you thought it was funny

            Frank stayed lounging about as you assembled some heavy duty medical kits. The medication had to be obtained off the books (illegally) but the price was worth the quality. The buzzing of Frank’s phone had you looking up incredulously.

            “Who’s that?” David asked curiously. Frank paused and rolled what he was about to say around in his mouth.

            “It’s your wife,” That made your blood run a little cold and you glanced at David who had a similarly panicked expression on his face.

            “Why um, why does Sarah have your number?” David questioned as if unable to believe what he was hearing. Nor could you really.

            “I got hers,” You closed your eyes and breathed slowly in through you nose and out the mouth. That could only mean that Frank didn’t trust David. Thought he needed to have something to hold over him.

            “Why?” Oh David, how could he be so naïve.

            “Leverage,”

            “Leverage on who?”

            “You,” Frank answered simply. Standing up, you left the room. This was for them. You weren’t needed here. Under foot. Things had changed once again. It left your world a little topsy turvy. Because for the first time Frank had someone other than you to look out for. Even if he didn’t realize it David Lieberman had become an honorary member of the Castle pack. There were very few people who could get away with talking shit to Frank but David was one of them. If anything Frank relished it. You could hardly accomplish that anymore.

            Hands coiled around your waist as you finished up the last med kit. This one was special, designed for you. It contained a certain series of drugs that, should things ever get out of hand, would provide you with a dangerous boost in power.

            “You look tired,” Frank murmured against your neck. You leaned into him, indulged in the rare moment of calm.

            “I didn’t sleep well last night,” You told him softly. “Listen Frank, I am sorry about the way I handled things after seeing that video. It just surprised me. You know that violence doesn’t bother me, it was just…” Trailing off, you were unable to finish the sentence.

            “Dirty? Yeah, I know baby,” And you two just stood there, in the quiet. There was no I’m sorry to be said. You were both sorry. He knew it. You knew it. A giggle rose in your throat as he placed a sloppy kiss against the side of your numb mouth.

            “Frank stop,” You laughed softly and the resounding chuckle from him was worth it.

            “Your cheek is swelling up like a balloon and you’re getting a black eye,” He said and smiled at you, “People are gonna think you’ve been boxing again.” Snorting, you turned in his arms and smirked up at him.

            “Don’t forget for a second that I used to be able to put you on your ass Castle,” He kissed you again, this time properly. But broke away laughing when you couldn’t get your mouth to do what you wanted.

            “Oh, I’ll never forget that. It was a cold day in hell when I got laid out in front of my boys by a tiny woman fresh out of the medical wing.” The fondness in his expression shook you a little. It was something you hadn’t expected.

            “Hey Castle!” David’s voice called from the other room and Frank looked like he honestly might murder a man, “Stop sucking face and go see my wife,” You snickered and patted him on the back.

            “Go, I’ll be here when you get back,”

___________________________________________________

            David as it turns out was watching over his family the entire time. A bird’s eye view of the entire house. Looking at him sharply, you cuffed him over the head. Spinning in his chair he looked at you like you had mortally injured him.

            “What was that for?” He exclaimed and you pointed to the monitor.

            “Your wife will cut your dick off if she ever found out you did this,” You crowed in disbelief, “This is not healthy or okay,” David scoffed and then nodded in some form of agreement to something you had said.

            “You’re probably right,” He commented and then turned, “You and Frank, that something serious?” He questioned and you pulled back a little. Neither of you had talked about it. It wasn’t an easy subject for either of you. A big part of you felt like you were betraying Maria, her memory. The other part struggled to come to terms with the fact that you had him.

            “I can’t answer that because I am not so sure myself,” The two of you had no idea what to do with one another and add on the stress of everything else...well you were winging it.

            “Well at least you’re open to talking about it; Frank doesn’t seem like the guy who gives a lot for you to work with,” You shrugged, that all depended on Frank.

            “Honestly Frank and I don’t really need to talk much. Always been that way too. There are things he gives away with no words at all,” You explained to David. “And honestly if he is talking, that means he’s either feeling defensive or has some important shit to say,” You saw Frank pull into the driveway of Sarah’s house, and you sat back. Time, this would all just take some time. And despite your current situation, there was more than enough to go around.

___________________________________________________

             This was beyond stupid, you thought to yourself as you sat in the mustang. So fucking stupid and risky. Cloaked in all black, you blended in with the dark night. It was your job to act as a third party in case things went south. It was also your duty to make sure Frank had a getaway car. The van containing the weapons pulled in with Frank smiling like a maniac. There were very few things that made him smile anymore. Guns could do the trick.

            “I’m gonna hop in the back, I want you out of sight.” He gestured to the roof of the van. Cupping his palms together, he hiked you into the air. Landing with a soft thud, you pressed yourself against the metal roof and waited. The follow car showed up along with two…Homeland agents. Internally you cursed. Homeland, why did it have to be Homeland. You waited as they slid open the back of the van. The flames from the thrower were hot and you could honestly say that was probably the worst way to go. After your capture, fire had become a small phobia. After a moment you dropped down and waited. There was the smell of gasoline and metal in the air. It was intensely unpleasant.

            “Am I riding with you or David?” You asked him and checked your gun one last time. Frank looked over at you and considered briefly before answering.

            “David,”

            Something was wrong. David was off course.

            “What the hell are you doing?” You growled. The agent’s vehicle came into view and you opened your mouth to yell. The impact was swift and it cut you off. The vehicle belonging to the agent flipped and landed on its roof; Frank came to a stop a little ways away. Bounding out of the van you took off in a full sprint, pulling up your half-face mask. The agent was Madani. Face bloody and lax. Gripping her hands you pulled her from the wreckage, dragging her a little ways away. On your knees, you felt for a pulse. It was elevated and her body was badly bruised but she would live.

            “How is she?” Frank asked over your shoulder as you gently maneuvered her into a safer position. He knelt down next to her, observing the numerous lacerations to her face and chest.

            “She’ll live but she is gonna be hurting for a while,” You told him, “I ran into her at a bar the other night Frank, she’s a Homeland agent. Dinah Madani.” Madani’s eyes fluttered open and she took a pained breath. Shushing her, you tried to block her view of Frank.

            “Castle?” She murmured and took another shuttering breath. Then she reached for her gun. Frank batted her hand away and pulled the gun from the holster.

            “Stop that,” He told her like parent scolding a child.

            “Don’t move, you’ve sustained quite a bit of trauma.” You told her softly and ran your hands down her legs. “But you’re reacting to stimuli so it’s unlikely you’re paralyzed,” That made her stop moving and look at you, really look at you.

            “Did you kill Wolf?” She asked Frank and he nodded.

            “You’re goddamn right I did,” He stood then, dragging you up. “Stay out of my way Madani.” The blaze from the car was still going as you got into the passenger seat of Frank’s mustang.

___________________________________________________

_It was too much all of it. You sat in your room staring at the red walls and stone floors. There were only so many times you could count the tiles and cracks. The door swung open and your mother stepped inside. Tall and beautiful, she made you feel very small in comparison._

_“You are lucky that you are not spending the rest of your teenage life in Juvenile detention,” Her tone was brisk as a winter breeze. You looked at her feet. Stilettos today. “And you are lucky that it was me and not your father that responded to the call from your school. You beat that boy half to death,” The way she said those last words was laced with disapproval. All you could remember was his hands pinning you to the ground and his knees between your legs._

_“I wasn’t going to let him assault me mother. I get enough of that at home,” You bit out. The slap across your cheek stung but you refused to react._

_“Listen to what I am saying so that it cannot be mistaken for anything other than what it is. You had every right to defend yourself, no one is arguing that. That being said, you nearly killed that boy. You are lucky I still have contacts in high places,” Of course she did. Just another thing to lord over you. Finally you looked up at her, meeting those cold lifeless eyes. A sociopath and a psychopath decided to have a child eighteen years ago. And here you were,  a constant disappointment._

_“To be honest mom,” You ground your teeth together, “I really could care less about what happens to me because at least it would be a wonderful fuck you to dad and you. Because as far as I can tell, I’m nothing more than a precious little pet or pretty trinket you two pull out when you need something.” The way your mother stepped forward had you thinking she would hit you again._

_“You have a duty to this family. And if you think for a second that your little rebellions are going to fly now that you are an adult,  you have another thing coming,”_

_It was then that your father entered the room, fuming. Your mother was like a freezing body of water, it was a slow death with her. The pain she inflicted was like a thousand little cuts added together over the years of your life. Hard to notice at first but gradually weighing you down. Dad on the other hand had always burned hot, and even after he simmered down the embers were left behind._

_“Two lectures in one night,” You smirked, feeling brave for once. Some nights were like that, easy to feel pissed off. “Should I expect a beating to go with it?” Your father stepped forward and you stood._

_“What you have done is inexcusable,” He growled at you, “Your actions have painted me in a bad light, ruined the work I’ve done on your image. So let me be clear because you apparently haven’t heard me the last one hundred times I’ve told you;  you will remain within your room from the time you get home from school until you go to school. You will not have contact with that Castle boy. And when you have graduated you will attend a private college of my choosing and get the degree I instruct you to. After that you will take your place as the head of the company. Am. I. Clear?” His hand wrapped around your throat._

_“Oh something I should mention,” You looked at both of them and ignored the pressure at your throat, “That might be a bit hard. You see I joined the military on my birthday. And I highly doubt either of you will be able to explain to the United States government why your daughter joining the Navy doesn’t fit in with your ten year plan.” You shoved your father’s hand away from your neck._

_“What do you mean you joined the military?” For the first time in your life your mother looked shocked._

_“Well Mom, I don’t know if you know this but my IQ is pretty damn high. I am head of the robotics club and have taken biomedical engineering classes through the school. As a matter of fact I tested so high that I was offered an internship at Stark Industries last month which I turned down in favor of becoming a corpsman. By the time I’m done with my service, I’ll be a doctor. See the thing is, you two always expected me to come to my senses and fall in line. But in reality I don’t hate anyone more than the two of you.” You bent down and picked up a duffle bag from under your bed that had been stored there for months. Frank had his own place and room for you. “I’m leaving, I’m done with all of this. As far as I’m concerned that Castle boy is my family.” Walking away, bag in hand you stuck your middle finger in the air._

_Opening the front door to Frank’s apartment, you tossed your bag on the ground. There was a soft tune playing somewhere in the space._

_“Frank!” You called out, “Hope the guest room is ready because I am here to stay.” The sound of steady footfalls came down the hall. Leaning against the wall, he looked you up and down and wrinkled his nose._

_“What the hell are you wearing,” Looking down you remembered that your mother had forced you to change out of your blood soaked clothes the second she arrived at the school._

_“Chanel if I had to guess,” You shrugged and yanked it over your head. Frank snorted and caught the fabric midair. Grabbing the first pair of sweat pants and tee-shirt you saw, you tugged them on._

_“Hey,” Frank looked the fabric over, “How much is this worth?” He questioned. Snorting, you looked up._

_“How much is your rent?”_

_“Thousand a month,”_

_“Well that dress could cover that and more,” Slipping off your heels, you slammed them on the table. “And this should buy us enough booze and food until we graduate.” Frank shook his head but he was grinning like the devil himself._

_Dinner that night consisted of ramen and cheap beer. It was the perfect night. Nestled on Frank’s shitty sofa with a handmaid quilt, you felt safe and at home._

_“So what did mommy and daddy say when you booked it out of there?” Frank finally asked. Setting down your beer, you smiled softly._

_“Not much considering that they just got the biggest shock of their life.” You leaned back against the cushion and sighed, “You’re all I got now Frankie, for better or for worse.” Ruffling your hair, he kicked his feet across your lap._

_“That’s how it’s always been birdie,” He said with such conviction it gave you pause. Ever since you were kids it had been impossible to separate the two of you. Your parents had tried and failed. The nuns at your private school had tried and failed. The two of you were bonded for life._

_“Well Frankie,” You giggled, “I can say it’s been wild at least.” That made him a bit somber for a moment. But soon enough the two of you were back to normal, all smiles and laughter._

_____________________________________________________

            “What the hell were you thinking?” You slammed David against the nearest wall. The man threw his hands in the air and offered no defense against you. Frank stood slightly behind you, watching. “She could have been killed! What then David?” You stepped away with a sigh of disgust. This had quickly become the shittiest night possible. Even though your face had been covered, you knew Madani had recognized your voice and eyes. She didn’t strike you as the type of person who forgot a face easily.

            “You two were the ones who made the decision to get out of the vehicles and help her. That woman is a trained agent, she has the training to extract-” You were back in his face within a second.

            “David I am a patient and understanding woman,” You snarled, “But if you think for a second I will harm innocent people, people who could potentially help us in the future, you have another thing coming. Agent Madani was injured and possibly paralyzed! Did you expect me to leave her?” You marched away from him and grabbed your jacket off of the chair it was perched on. “I am going home to shower and pray. Because god help us all if Madani decides to tell everyone that Frank Castle is still alive!” You stormed out of the room feeling more bitter than you had in months.

            Opening the door to your car, you heard Frank’s steady footsteps behind you. Loose gravel churned under his feet. Turning you looked at him expectantly.

            “Haven’t seen you that fired up in a while,” He murmured and leaned against your car. The night was quickly becoming day and you felt angry about that too. Sleep was so precious to you that staying up all night felt like a waste. Exhausted you slumped.

            “Hey,” He prodded gently and you looked up at him. For a moment he searched your face. “Remember when we were kids and you used to get scared that your mom or dad would hit you?” You nodded and took a deep breath.

            “I used to lie all the time,” You thought back, “About where the marks and shit came from. You figured it out though, almost called CPS too. I told you not to. It was my secret to keep,” It wasn’t your highest moment in life. That was a secret that you carried around for a very long time.

            “I remember thinking how cruel it was to keep someone like you locked away. That it was a damn shame that someone felt the need to break off little pieces of you to shape you into something they liked.” Frank had always been there to pick you up though. He never tried to fix you, let you make the best and the worst decisions all on your own. “I don’t want you to sacrifice the bits of you that make you the best damn thing this world has for me. Got it?” He stated. You made a noise of protest which quickly died when he crowded you against the car. His hands roamed your hips and dipped under your shirt to the skin underneath. Taking a deep breath, you looked up at him.

            “Frank Castle, there is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do if you asked me.” He kissed your lips, hands trailing skin and exploring. When he pulled away, you pressed a kiss to the side of jaw. “You are my soulmate after all.” You playfully shoved him away and got into the driver’s seat. Frank bent and kissed you one last time.

___________________________________________________

_The paper in your hands was crumpled as Billy walked you to the podium. His arm around you was the only thing keeping you upright, bullet wounds aching. Standing tall and proud you looked out across a sea of faces that you either knew or you didn’t. Maria’s mother and father sat in the front row, red eyed and somber. Stepping up to the microphone, you breathed in a shallow breath._

_“I have known the Castle family from its inception. I was there when Frank stumbled through courting Maria. I was there for the proposal and then the wedding. I was there when Maria told me she was pregnant. I was there for all the beautiful bits,” You paused and Billy squeezed your shoulder tightly, “But the thing I remember most about the Castle family was how welcoming they were. Maria was the type of woman who would take in any strays she could find. Frank was there to be the voice of reason but bend to Maria’s will every time. My point is the Castles were good people. Their children Frank Jr. and Lisa were the best kids in the entire world. Smart, well spoken, and everything good that their parents were. And this world will always feel empty without them in it. And I am heartbroken that a soldier who came back from war was taken away in a place that he loved. I am heartbroken that a kind mother was taken away from her family. I am heartbroken that I will never get to watch my god children grow up. But I am also thankful for all the moments we shared. I am thankful for the love I felt when I was with the Castle family. But most of all I am thankful for the time I did have with them…Because I cannot imagine where in the world I would be without them.” You finished your speech and Billy helped you down from the stage. The tears in your eyes burned like acid and fire._

_Metal. The chairs were metal. You hated metal chairs. Running your fingers over you dress, you laughed. It was funny, even at a funeral. The fine material made you giggle, then belly laugh, and then sob._

_“What on earth is wrong,” Billy asked alarmed, looking around the reception hall. No one was paying attention to you; the food had just been brought out._

_“Chanel,” You choked, “I’m wearing Chanel.” This of course meant nothing to Billy but everything to you. Running his fingers over your spine he hushed you softly._

_“And this caused a break down because?” He searched for some sort of explanation. Chuckling, you leaned against him._

_“My first night out of my parents’ house I was wearing a Chanel dress and heels. My outfit costed more than most people make in months. And we sold that outfit to pay the rent and buy cheap booze. It’s stupid but wearing this just reminded me of him,” You murmured and wiped your tears away on a napkin._

_“You sold a Chanel dress to pay the rent?” Billy asked you as if you had committed some sort of crime. To him, it probably was a crime to waste such a beautiful piece of fashion._

_“It was the only physical reminder of that awful place I grew up in. It just felt right,” Nothing was ever black and white. Those memories haunted  you until the day you came home and found Frank bleeding out on your white sofa. Life was shitty and also so poetic._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone, my schedule was interrupted by taking care of my baby brother after he had some dental surgery (Inspiration at its finest). I should be posting regularly now. 
> 
> Love y'all, Feedback is always appreciated.


	4. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Agent Madani, understand that what I am saying needs to be strictly between me and you. Never spoken about again. Not to Billy Russo. Not to Frank Castle. Never. Or I will silence you myself,”

"Bury all your secrets in my skin  
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins  
The air around me still feels like a cage  
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go  
And run away before I know  
My heart is just too dark to care  
I can't destroy what isn't there

Deliver me into my fate  
If I'm alone I cannot hate  
I don't deserve to have you  
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago  
If I can change I hope I never know"

\- "Snuff", Slipknot 

 

_“Well aren’t you pretty darlin’,” The way the man spoke sent a chill down your spine. Next to you Maria also froze. Not turning or even acknowledging the man, you downed the shot Maria had bought you. It was your fifth week home after being rescued from your den of torture. It had finally felt like a good idea to go out. This man was ruining that feeling. Pregnant Maria sat next to you, hand on your knee and sipping seltzer water like it was going out of style._

_“Breathe,” She murmured under her breath; one of two things would happen next: One the man would lose interest and leave you alone or two he would get more persistent. Honestly you were hoping for the former. There wasn’t much fight to be had in you. A hand slipped between the two of you and the man slid in-between you and Maria. He was tall, not bad looking but cocky._

_“Can I help you?” You asked and saw the bartender eying you from across the bar. Good backup. The man leaned in and you leaned very much away._

_“Just wantin’ some company,” He said as casually as possible. Curling your lip, you nodded to Maria._

_“Already have some,” You replied coldly, “Thanks anyways,” The bartender was making his way to you under the guise of bringing you another drink. That hand that had been resting in between you and Maria, came to rest on you shoulder. This caused any calmness that you might have possessed to come to a screeching and abrupt halt. Turning in your bar stool, you looked him up and down._

_“Don’t be like that sugar,” He cocked his head and actually smiled, “Let me buy you a drink and see how you feel after.”  Meeting his eyes, you leveled him. This man was a fool and Maria was starting to get nervous._

_“You need to get your hand off of me and walk away. Last warning,” That hand didn’t move._

_In a single motion you stood grabbing his wrist with your right hand, yanking his arm back. With your left forearm, you firmly placed it at his elbow joint and just shoved with all your body weight. The man dropped with a scream, clutching the injured arm._

_“You bitch!” He snarled like a wounded animal. Rolling your eyes, you knelt down next to him._

_“I asked you nicely to leave alone not once but twice. Now run along little boy,” You dismissed. To your surprise he slunk away to gather his drinking companions and leave to likely find a hospital. Turning back to the bar, you took deep breaths and clutched your shaking hands to your chest. During the scuffle your dog tags had fallen out of your shirt, a painful reminder._

_“On the house,” The bartender gave you a double. Maria bit her lip but said nothing._

_Frank stood blurry eyed at the front door as Maria walked in and murmured something to him. Behind him Billy was standing resolute and curious. You simply raised a hand in goodbye and took measured steps back to your house. Sixty-two steps to be exact. Opening the front door, you hung up your coat. You set your purse down. You kicked your shoes into the corner. You walked into the kitchen. You took off your shirt. You took off your pants. You pulled out the bottle of whiskey hidden away. Forgoing a glass, you drank straight from the bottle. It burned like a bitch on the way down. A knock echoed down the main hallway. Peering out the peep hole, you saw Billy standing there looking rather nervous. After unlocking the door, you swung it open and leaned against the door frame. Billy looked over your body, surveying barely healed scars that still felt fresh._

_“You strip fast,” He stated and invited himself in. Bottle in hand, you watched him curiously. It was interesting that Frank hadn’t been the one to come over._

_“Well after a shitty night, nothing beats stripping down and drinking yourself into a state of unconsciousness.” That earned you a raised eyebrow and short laugh. Not what you expected. This was a different sort of game than the one you played with Frank. With him it was quiet, listening to you rant. Billy on the other hand seemed ready to exchange blows, counter you._

_“Maria said you broke a man’s arm,” He said but didn’t face you, instead glancing over your library of literature._

_“That man touched me without my permission,” You shrugged and took a large swig, “I asked him to let me go, he wouldn’t. So I broke his arm. It’s unlikely he’ll ever make the same mistake again,” Billy looked at you then, eyes impossibly wicked._

_“I know you could have disabled him without breaking his arm; you have the training. Your just angry at the world and decided to lash out to make yourself feel better.” Billy Russo was a bloody snake. Different than the way your mother had been. His venom burned._

_“Maybe you’re right,” You frowned but kept your posture defensive, “But I feel a lot better. Now get out of my house and let me drink in peace,” He was still grinning even though you matched his venom with your words._

_“Yes ma’am,”_

            It was midday when it happened. The sinking sensation of falling into water and being unable to breathe. There was nothing to be considered a trigger. Everything was just too quiet. The wind was soft against your skin as you ran. You always ran in the end. Or ended up hitting something. One mile. Two miles. Five miles. Heart pounding, you leaned against the stone of the building you came to rest by. Today was just bad. Pulling out your phone, you dialed a familiar number.

            “Can you come pick me up?” You asked. The line was silent for a few minutes.

            “Where are you?” Billy questioned and you heard the faint jingle of keys. Looking around for the first time, your eyes came to rest on the coffee shop you frequented.

            “The coffee shop by my house,” You breathed heavy, “The one you hate,” Billy let out a sigh of relief.

            “Hold tight,” He said, “I’ll be there in a minute,”

            Billy was not there in a minute but in about forty. Yanking open the car door, you settled into the passenger seat. Without looking at you, he passed you a bottle of pills. A sedative.

            “Take one of those,” He ordered, “You can sleep on the sofa in my office. I have work I need to do,” You took two and tucked them away in the glove compartment.

            “Thank you Billy,” You told him softly and he gripped your trembling hand in his own. The weight was reassuring and heavy.

            “You haven’t called me for something like that in years. You gonna tell me what that was about?” Shrugging your shoulders, you watched the city pass you by. The lights, the smell, and the sounds were good company. There was no reason to be panicking, not yet at least.

            “Just a bad day,” You replied. It was short answer. Not because of irritation. No because there was some part of you that screamed not to tell him. It was just a voice, usually hidden but feeling rather lively today.

            “C’mon we’ve known each other a very long time now,” He joked, “I think I’ve earned a little honesty from you,” Sighing you looked out the window. It was funny too look at other people and guess what they were doing with their lives. Maybe someone was about to get married. Maybe someone had just lost their job. Maybe someone was turning a new page. You, well you were living an echoing cycle of loneliness, death, and regret.

            “I think that maybe…I was supposed to die a long time ago. The first time was in that compound, starving and dehydrated. I thought that maybe it was my time to go. But you rescued me. Then came the carousal. All around me the people that I loved were slaughtered. But I survived that too.” You couldn’t look at him; the words were too heavy to be spoken face to face. “There is a part of me that’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop. One last betrayal. One last practical joke the universe decides to play on me. And that scares me. Because I want to live. I want to fall in love. I want to be happy. But what if that’s not my fate?” For a moment the car was silent. The hum of the engine and the soft sound of the radio were all that filled the gaps.

            “Well I don’t know if my opinion counts for much,” Billy spoke as he pulled into his parking space, “But I think that you are one of the luckiest people alive on this earth. You look at all your life experiences and yeah, you probably should be dead. That torture should have broken you. That last bullet should have hit your heart. But you’re here. And that’s more than a lot of people can say,” Billy stroked the little scar under your collar bone. A physical reminder that you had survived. Squeezing his hand but saying nothing, you opened the door to the car and stepped out. Sometimes you forgot how good with words Billy really was.

            The office that belonged to Billy had a large desk that was neatly organized. There were beautiful pieces of art hanging on the wall. Wobbling inside, you practically threw yourself down on the grey sofa and exhaled.

            “Get comfortable,” He told you and pulled a fleece blanket down over the top of your body. “I am going to be a little while,” Snuggling into the soft material, you nodded.

            “Go rally the troops,” You smiled, “I’ll be here when you get back,” You were surprised when he gently moved your hair out of your face and looked at you for a minute. There was something tender in his eyes.

            “I hope you know that no matter what happens, you will be the first woman I ever truly loved.” You laughed softly and closed your eyes.

            “And I will always be here for you Billy Russo,”

_“Are you some sort of angel?” Gunner looked up at you from the hospital bed with awe. Laughing you pulled the blanket up under his chin and scribbled out a set of instructions for the staff.  Gunner was good man. The sense of humor he had was rivaled only by Frank’s dry wit._

_“No,” You chuckled, “Just magic fingers.” You wiggled them and sat down at his bedside. The man had seemed off of late. There was just something about the way he was always cautious and always watching._

_“If anyone is an angel, it’s you. My brains would be splattered against the wall if you hadn’t had my back, so thank you.” Close quarters combat was always messy but the mission earlier in the day had been utter hell. Tight corners, poor lighting, and a small team were a mixture for disaster. Gunner was quick and intelligent, he used the terrain to his advantage, scoping the place out inch by inch. An insurgent had come up behind you and had you dead to rights when Gunner had jumped into the mix. It had been a knife fight.  You had fired a single shot. Coming out the victor, Gunner had been a little worse for the wear. A little bit of morphine and magic hands and he was good as new._

_“It’s no problem ma’am,” He said humbly. “You’re always watching out for us. So it’s the least I could do.” Patting his shoulder, you prepared to take your leave._

_“Have a good night. Enjoy the drugs and get a good night’s sleep,”_

            Billy dropped you off at home. Frank was waiting in your living room. You must have looked odd, still in your running clothes. He said nothing about it, so you went to the fridge and grabbed some leftover pasta salad. To your surprise David also rounded the corner.

            “Jesus Christ, do I run a halfway house for wayward ex-government employees now?” You mumbled. Not bothering to fix a plate, you ate straight from the bowl. Looking slightly upset by this, David turned to Frank. The two men shared a look which you pointedly ignored.

            “Gunner sent the video,” Frank said out of the blue from the living room. With a careful moment, you set down the bowl and looked at him.

            “I figured as much,” You leaned against the counter and pondered your old squad mate, “He would have realized what we were doing was wrong. He’s too good of a man to let something like that go,” Frank nodded. David handed you a tablet and pulled up a rather detailed map. It was clearly a wooded area, the terrain appeared to be uneven.

            “I am going to go pay him a visit,” Frank spoke evenly, “He might know more than me or you.” Considering for a moment you looked over the map again.

            “This is a great terrain setup for an ambush. Plus neither of us knows the area. What happens if he thinks you’re dirty Frank? There’s no way either of us could win a fight here.” It was bad news all around.

            “That’s why you’re coming too,” Frank said this almost a little bitterly, “Gunner liked you the best out of anyone. He’ll be more likely to talk to you than to me,” It was a valid point. One that you were happy about for once.

            “Let me go grab my gear,” You murmured and handed David the bowl of pasta salad, “Eat this, I don’t need you whining about being hungry in a few hours.”

            The drive was long and almost unbearable. David and Frank were nitpicking at every little thing they disliked about each other. Neither of them could settle on a music station. The situation was growing more and more like a sitcom the more time you spent in the van.

            “Oh for fucks sake,” You hissed when David started the equivalent to a dick measuring contest over who had the more miserable life. “Boys, I swear to god I am about to throw myself out of this vehicle just to escape this conversation. Move on. Our lives are shit. End of story,” You settled back against the benching in the back of the van and scanned the map one more time. You prayed. It was a simple prayer. Sent up to heaven on tired wings. You prayed that this time something went right.

            Things did not go right. Gunner had shot Frank before he caught sight of you. The arrow in Frank’s should was nowhere near anything lethal but arrows were just plain dangerous. The invited infection and disease into the body. Once Gunner had caught sight of you, things had cooled off. Turns out the boys you sent down to the morgue after treating their bodies for hours, pouring as much of yourself into them as possible had been cut open and stuffed with drugs. The idea of it was disgusting. However your disgust quickly turned into horror when the familiar sound of helicopter wing whirred through the air. Someone had found you. Running through the woods, wind whipping against your face, you found a place to hunker down. You moved away from the boys, though you never let them out of your line of sight. The team hunting you was tactical, smart. But they obviously weren’t trained in guerilla style warfare. They moved in formation expecting you three to follow normal patterns of engagement. They also clearly weren’t expecting more than one man.

            Cutting a path you made a beeline straight for one of the men, face covered in your now customary mask. The leaves on the forest floor did nothing to muffle the sound of your footfalls against the frozen earth. The funny thing is until Frank came back, you could never really describe how it felt to use your powers on anyone else. When removing someone’s pain, you just touched them and reach for the negative space around an injury. But removing someone’s ability to feel completely was another beast. That was like yanking a table cloth out from a set table. Scientifically speaking what you could do was terrifying; telling nerve endings and neurons not to send and receive signals was not something to be taken lightly. In theory, one which you had been testing from time to time, you wanted to see if you could theoretically tell the heart to stop beating or the lungs to shut down. This soldier, gun clutched in hand turned to look at you. You yanked and the gun fell to the forest floor. Picking it up, you fired a single shot straight to the center of his forehead. There was no point in dragging it out. This wasn’t the time to judge whether the man had been worthy of mercy.

            Making your way down the hillside, you stayed hidden. It was your advantage. They thought they were hunting two men well versed in rapid fire assaults. They didn’t factor in someone who, for the most part, relied on stealth and constant surveillance.

            “You have two moving in about ten seconds out on your left,” David’s voice echoed in your ear. God bless some support from the sky. Ducking behind a tree, you waited. The crunch of leaves indicated when to turn. One. Two. Dead. Move down the hill. You were moving in on Frank and Gunner’s position. Track the disturbed leaves and follow the gunfire. Pay attention to your surroundings. Blood. Frank or Gunner was losing blood fast. Moving down even further, you tracked them down to the very last body. There was the sound of heavy and labored breathing. The wheezing gasps of a punctured lung.

            “Frank,” You called out softly, “It’s me, I’m approaching do not shoot me.” Rushing to their side you assessed the situation. In the falling light of the twilight hour it was getting hard to see. But Gunner’s injury was severe enough you didn’t have to be able to. The evidence was the pool of blood you were kneeling in.

            “Single gunshot,” You assessed and phrased it like a question. Both men were used to the ramblings you gave while providing care. Opening your pack, you sifted through before settling on a kit. Without touching him, you sapped the pain away. He laughed and choked on blood. You paused and looked at him.

            “Frank and I have already come to the conclusion I’m not walkin’ away from this,” Gunner said and coughed again. Shushing him, you applied pressure to the wound. It would be impossible to get both of them out without an extra set of capable and trained hands.

            “Don’t say that,” You grinned but all of you knew what it meant.

            “You take Frank and get the hell out of here you hear me? But make sure that they bury my body,” You gripped Gunner’s hand and let him drift. Death. Death had always been easier than living.

“I’m comin’,” You heard Curtis yell from inside his apartment. As soon as the door opened, you just opened and closed your mouth a few times over.

            “It’s Frank,” You murmured and shrugged your shoulders with no other explanation to give, “I need an extra set of hands.” Nothing more needed to be said. Curtis was moving through his apartment and gathering his gear just like old times. He followed you without question. He walked into your base without a comment.

            “What’s his status?” Curtis asked as the two of you gloved up. David stood off to the side nervously; his only duty was to be quiet and hand you medical supplies as needed.

            “He’s septic and unresponsive,” You said and prodded the area around the arrow. “Help me roll him on three. One, two, three.” Curtis pulled as you pushed. Frank was a heavy man and didn’t move with ease.

            “I got him,” Curtis told you and you grabbed the scalpel.  The incision was small, barely anything impressive when it came down Frank’s scars but you had never been the one to scar him before. Digging around, you felt the tip of the arrowhead and pulled. There was the sickening sound of flesh tearing around metal. Taking a deep breath you dropped it into a tray and held your hand out for the stapler.

            “Ease him down please,” You uttered and surveyed the entry wound. There was an audible release of breath from David.

            “Thank god,” You looked at him and passed him the bottle of booze that you had on standby for sanitization in emergencies. He drank without complaint.

            “Cauterize it?” Curtis asked, you nodded and turned away. Curtis knew the smell of burning flesh set off some unpleasant memories so he did that bit himself. You felt sick for the first time since becoming a doctor.

            Once things had calmed down you changed into something a bit more comfortable. A knock alerted you to Curtis’ presence but it didn’t prepare you for the face the man was making. All the appreciation drained out of your eyes in an instance.

            “Please don’t,” You begged him quietly. He sat down, the edge of the bed looking so funny with someone so good sitting on the edge of it.

            “You know, never before in my life have I met someone so selflessly stupid.” He frowned and gestured to you, “I have seen you give your body and mind for your country. I have seen you sacrifice years of your life making other people, Billy and Frank included, happy. But I will be damned if I will sit here and let do this to yourself.” You raised your hand to stop him.

            “I made my-” Curtis stood up, it was always striking to see him angry.

            “What Frank is doing is unhealthy by anyone’s standards and the fact that you…a doctor are willing to sacrifice your morals and own happiness for this is beyond me. You gotta stop,” Curtis wiped the bitter tears that were sliding over your cheeks away, “Because I have spent the better part of a decade watching you fall in love with Frank, whether you realized it or not…and it’s not supposed to be like this baby girl,” Nodding your head, you wrapped your arms around him.

            “I don’t know what other choice there is Curtis,” You admitted. This conversation was digging at scars you didn’t even realize were scars.

            “You just gotta find something that you can do to help but won’t rip you apart in the process.” You laughed he made it sound so easy.

            It wasn’t easy to admit but you were a runner. Anytime something got the least bit hairy, you tended to bolt in the opposite direction. You ran to what was comfortable and felt like home. You breezed past the rather frantic secretary who asked you to stop and barged into Billy’s office. There was a group of tough looking young men staring at you. Billy had his eyebrow arched.

            “You said you had a job for me if I ever wanted it,” Smiling he stood and placed a hand on your lower back and ushered you into the room quietly. No one made comment about how you looked like hell. Settling you down he booped the tip of your nose, an old gesture that meant so much.

            “Gentlemen meet my favorite doctor and dear friend,” Billy smiled as he introduced you, “She is going to be giving you a crash course in emergency medicine,”

            After the meeting was over Billy pulled you aside, his hands lingering on your sides in a way that set your heart aching. Craning down to your height, he met your eyes with a curious look.

            “Not that I’m not happy to have you by my side, but this feels a little out of nowhere.” He said and searched your face. Playing with the ends of your shirt, you nervously shifted from one foot to the other.

            “I got spooked by somethin’ earlier Billy and I can’t-” You floundered for words that died on you lips. God, he would hate you if he knew. Knew that his best friend was alive and kicking around New York again.

            “Nothing spooks you,” Billy frowned and cupped your cheeks, “What happened?” You decided to do something absolutely and unrivaled in its stupidity.

            “I thought I saw Frank,” Your lip quivered and you weren’t lying. You really did think for just a moment that the Frank that had been with you the past few weeks had been him. Better and happier. But that had been an illusion you had forced yourself to believe. But the fact of the matter was that you were in love with a damaged man whilst being damaged yourself. “And I know it’s not possible but for a moment my heart just-my heart had hope for the first time in months. And Billy I’ve got nothing left to give. I’ve got no fuel left in the tank and I am floundering for the right answers…and I’ve got none. I need stability. You’ve been that for me for a long time now, so I am begging you to give me this.” Billy kissed both your cheekbones softly.

            “Anything you need, it’s yours.” Fate was a funny and fickle bitch because Dinah Madani walked through the door and looked you dead in the eyes.

            “Perfect, two birds one stone.”

            To your utter relief Dinah was interrogating you first. You were standing when she entered the room, back to her.

            “Agent Madani,” You spoke softly. It surprised you when she stalked up close to you, glancing over your appearance. She just looked at your eyes. People oh so rarely met your eyes. You had also picked up the habit of looking at the ground.

            “I thought your eyes were pretty the first time I met you at that bar, unmistakable even. But that wasn’t what stuck with me. It was the way you spoke, you were calm. You were that way when you revealed yourself to me too,” She spoke evenly but you could see an inquisitive nature that could not be denied.

            “You would have died,” You murmured, there was no point in lying. She smiled at you, small and genuine. You could still smell metal, blood, and gasoline; pulling her from the vehicle had been second nature.

            “And what Frank Castle does doesn’t bother you?” She asked and you pursed your lips glancing around the stark room for cameras. “There is no one here but me and you,” This was your chance to maybe do something good. Something that could save a lot of lives. But loyalty was a powerful thing. You thought to Frank lying somewhere either unconscious or awake wondering where the hell you had run to.

            “Agent Madani, understand that what I am saying needs to be strictly between me and you. Never spoken about again. Not to Billy Russo. Not to Frank Castle. Never. Or I will silence you myself,” You didn’t feel the need to add emphasis to the threat with empty promises. You could tell that Madani believed you.

            “It won’t leave us, you have my word.” You took a deep breath.

            “Kandahar, you want information about Kandahar. Frank and I were there, Billy too. We didn’t know though, not then. That it was bad. It was just names and targets and missions. I was just the doctor, there to patch up the boys if needed.” You told her and looked out the window. New York always looked better when stared at in absolute crisis. “Your policeman was just one of many tragedies. I don’t have names or answers because I am still looking for myself. But if you promise me to give Frank Castle a fighting chance I will give them to you,” The words even tasted like a betrayal coming off of your lips. Madani seemed at a loss for words.

            “Are you telling me that Billy Russo has no idea,” You shook your head and leaned back.

            “I was raised by a spook Agent Madani, my secrets are precious and few but they are damning. Billy is a dear friend and a good man,” You told her, “If you tell him Frank saved you, leave my name out of it and pretend I know nothing. Because if you theoretically want this to work he has to trust me enough not to believe that I would keep this from him. Just tell him you asked about my military service, he’ll believe it. I kept my hands theoretically clean,” Madani shook her head and just looked at you like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

            “I would never have guessed that two men like Frank Castle and Billy Russo would have been in love with a snake,” You clenched your jaw and looked at her.

            “Well that’s the thing about love Agent,” You pressed your lips together and met her eyes, “It rarely takes the form we expect it to. But I have lived a rather cold and lonely life, sometimes I cling to that to keep myself together. I survived because I know how to be a snake when I need to, never denied it. But if you touch either of them, I will bring down a wrath on you that would put heaven to shame,” To your surprise she extended you her hand.

            “Oh I believe it. You misunderstood,” She smiled, “It wasn’t an insult, I appreciate a woman ready to protect what’s hers. Just extend me the same courtesy and we will be fine. And for what it’s worth thank you for this.” She handed you her card.

            “Don’t thank me for this. Everyone you know is probably going to end up dead,”

            Throwing your keys down, you clicked on the light to your living room. You were slipping. What you had tonight had done in that interrogation room went against every fiber of your being. You wanted a drink but for the first time in months you didn’t have the energy to do so. Laughing you slid down the wall and looked at the sage green paint. Everything made you want to scream and laugh at the same time. Sitting alone in your own home, the silence was damning. You were potentially going to send Billy, Frank, and yourself to jail. But Curtis had been right, you couldn’t just keep watching Frank continue down the path he was on. What a wicked game of chess you were playing with the lives of the people you loved most. This was going to end in disaster. Your phone rang once, twice, and on the third you picked up.

            “Where the hell are you?” Frank growled into the phone. Tears slipped down your cheeks as you listened to the sound of his voice. God it was good to hear him, even if he was pissed as hell.

            “At home baby,” You choked out, unable to keep the relief out of your voice. There was some quiet shuffling on the other end of the line.

            “Is there a reason that you weren’t here when I woke up?” Frank questioned and you took a shaky breath. It was the moment of truth.

            “Because I thought you were dying,” You told him honestly, “I thought you were dying and even when I knew you were stable…I couldn’t bear it. I ran Frank. And I had a talk with Agent Madani, she tracked me to Billy. Don’t worry I set her off your trail. Her vision is undoubtedly all over me,” There was a pause, the lie stung you worse than you had previously imagined. There were a million things racing through your head.

            “Don’t go anywhere,” He grunted, “I am on my way over,”

           

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay again. Hanukkah interrupted my regular schedule with...unexpected family in town. I feel bad about being so late with the last two chapters. Thank you all for being patient with me.

**Author's Note:**

> A new set of chapters in the series. I think it should be noted that I head cannon Billy Russo as bisexual. There is something that reads as attraction between him and Frank even if its one sided. I decided this during two scenes: the first being when Billy is wiping the blood from Frank's face like he did for Dinah; its a power thing. The second is when Frank kills Agent Orange, Billy's posture is very dominate and sexual.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy. Your feedback is always appreciated!


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